Funny Stories browsing by category


Latest proposal for Matata’s Wastewater Scheme?

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

I doubt that there would be much chance of getting this project past the resource consent stage but I guess a picture paints a thousand words and it is election year!


What I have learned…

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009

From time to time, even when we think we are doing our best, somehow it all goes wrong and we end up in a predicament and need a hand…


Then you realise who your friends are and that some folk are not there to help!


Please note:

  • No I did not take these photos
  • No they were not taken in Kawerau
  • I’m sorry but I couldnt find pics of white cows
  • No I am not encouraging cruelty to animals
  • No the stuck cow is not intended to represent Te Ururoa Flavell or anyone else.
  • You can laugh at yourself and the world dosn’t end!

Update on Kawerau Storm

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

There appears to be variations of this joke all around the world..  It is hard to pin down the original, I guess it has been lost in the mists of time..

Here is an English version dated March 2008…

I also wish to apologise to the people of Kawerau if the joke offended them and I guess that is the nature of  some jokes, they can be offensive … sorry guys.

But the sad thing for me was the way in which this was seized upon by certain people.  This was orchestrated and instigated in certain corners and once the seed had been sown I was labelled, convicted, and condemned without any chance to explain. 

So my apology does not extend to the haters who simply wished to abuse me for their own enjoyment it seems.  The delight with which people, (who refused to give their names and did not know me), informed me of the complaints that they would be making and the trouble they would cause me, was  sickening.. I don’t think Maanu Paul or Te Ururoa Flavell could consider their response to this issue fair or measured…

I believe if Maori are to make any progress then those that have the mana and the authority need to distance themselves from the ‘wet chooks’  that Helen Clark once aptly called “haters and wreckers”.

The “honourable” member speaks…

Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Te Ururoa Flavell has his say in relation to the “Kawerau Storm” post and has sic’d his mob onto me.  They are flooding my inbox and phone with hysterical hate mail.. mostly anonymous (but none from Kawerau) . Fortunately I have heard it all before and have learnt that it originates mostly from people with the backbone of a jellyfish and the intelligence of wet chooks!

Update 10.45pm..  A few anonymous ‘jellyfish’ and one ‘wet chook’ emailed me from Kawerau to have their rant and ensure that someone from Kawerau contributes to the spite and hatred.. Well done.. where were you when the item was posted back in June?

MP calls for disciplinary action over councillor’s racist rant

Te Ururoa Flavell, Maori Party MP for Waiariki                    30 October 2009  



Maori Party MP for Waiariki Te Ururoa Flavell has called on Whakatane Mayor Colin Holmes and his District Council colleagues to take disciplinary action over the racist rantings of Councillor Russell Orr.



“I am disgusted by the diatribe on Colin Orr’s website. The man holds elected office, with power and responsibility to act in the interests of the community. His attack on the neighbouring people of Kawerau is a gross dereliction of the duties of office, and if the Mayor and Whakatane District Council don’t take urgent action, they call into question their own competence,” said Mr Flavell.



“People rely on their elected leaders to address issues and solve problems. Cr Orr is in breach of his social and political contract with the people of Whakatane, by stereotyping and insulting the people of Kawerau. 



“I call on Cr Orr to resign. His antics are more appropriate for a radio shock jock desperate for ratings than an elected member of local government. At least Whakatane has a mayor with integrity, and I suggest Mayor Holmes consider whether Cr Orr’s abusive outburst has brought the Council so badly into disrepute that his resignation is warranted,” said Mr Flavell.



“I also hope the voters of the Edgecumbe Tarawera Ward write to Cr Orr and tell him what they think, and remember this behaviour come the next District Council election,” said Mr Flavell. 


Waiariki Electorate Office of 
Te Ururoa Flavell 
Member of Parliament Waiariki 
1489 Eruera Street 
PO Box 12028 
Rotorua Central Mall 3045 
T: 07 3503261 / 0508 924 274 
F: 07 3503267 

What amuses me is the assumption Mr Flavell makes that I wrote that piece.  This is a personal BLOG and material is often sourced from other sites.  The WDC Council items are obviously my work but many of the jokes and funnies are from other sources..

The post that has the Maori Party  in a frensy actually came from another NZ based web site.. You can see it here:  You can check the dates to confirm where it was posted first.  It is also on several other sites which I will not name for fear of more frenzied attacks by the Maori “thought police”….’

No one ever bothered to ask me where that post came from..  or if I actually wrote it.. Pretty basic stuff really and very disappointing coming from Parliament press people. 

This sort of “racial bullying” from sections of our community has got to stop.  Most of you don’t expect the Irish to get upset over the Irish jokes or  the Catholics to get upset over Pope jokes..I certainly don’t and I have an Irish ancestry. I can actually see some humour in that item and I had hoped that others might enjoy it as well, does that make me a racist? 

I am also part Maori on my mothers side and that blood is Ngai Tahu.  I have some involvement with Ngai Tahu as we own shares in Maori land in Southland.  I find them good to deal with, sensible and practical about their aspirations.

I don’t judge people by their race or colour only by their actions. Maori who ring me and use unprintable abusive and threatening language because I copied a joke piece from a web site are not real Maori..  they have no mana in my book.

Empty vessels make the loudest sound… I am sure you have a Maori phrase for that Mr Flavell?

Hate mail ….

Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Ah now I see how Mr Flavell found my tounge in cheek item on Kawerau.  It was sent to him by Maanu Paul!  Maanu didn’t even have the decency to send a link to the blogsite .. just cut and paste.. 

The Maori traslation for those who dont speak Maori .. …”Rorirori”  means unstable mind or mental and is an insult..  ”He mahi nanakia kei te haere.”" means .. “He is making mischief what will you do?”"

Here is the email…..

I found reading your article extremely disturbing and would suggest your time is office is now very limited  given that YOUR writings are now discussed at most Marae around the motu and in the homes of the many that you refer to.


You are a very sick man and the sooner you are removed from office the better .


Danny Morehu



From: Te Ururoa Flavell []
Sent: Friday, 30 October 2009 8:24 p.m.
Subject: rorirori


Another Michael Laws… rorirori

From: Cletus Maanu Paul []
Sent: Friday, 30 October 2009 10:43 a.m.
To: Te Ururoa Flavell
Subject: Fw: webb site russell orr – WDC CouncillorTena koe te Mema mo te Waiariki He mahi nanakia kei te haere.


Naku noa Maanu.

—– Original Message —–


Sent: Thursday, October 29, 2009 2:33 PM

Subject: webb site russell orr – WDC Councillor


Tena Koutou

Thought you might be interested to know that Russell Orr is a Councillor for the Whakatane District Council.   Below is an article I copied from his website;

Bad storm hits Kawerau….

Written by Russell on June 17th, 2009

My appologies in advance to the good folk of Kawerau but I worked there for a few years and had the urine extracted many times so I figure its fair to give it back…

Massive storms hit Kawerau in the late hours of 15 June 2009. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering ‘Faaackinell.’  The storms devastated the area, causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt-out car wrecks were disturbed.

I have also has several abusive phone calls from people who are busy informing me that they will complain to the Mayor, the Police, The Human Rights Commission, The Prime Minister and God..   There are obviously wayyy to many people with nothing better to do!

Some people have nothing better to do….

Friday, October 30th, 2009

Just got home and settled in after a longish day and really looking forward to the weekend when the phone goes and it is a reporter from radio live…

“Mr ORR would you like to comment on the claims made by Te Ururoa Flavell that your article on Kawerau is racist”

Say what!  I eventually figured out that she was referring to a toungue in cheek piece I posted on this blog back in June.  You can see it under the  “funny stories” category or go direct to it here..

Apparently there are people who really go out of their way to be offended and spend their whole day trolling through the internet in hopes of coming across something so offensive that they just have to complain.  Well I have a simple message…  Lighten up and learn to laugh at yourself  and we will all be better off. 

Since Mr Flavell has not seen fit to contact me before running off at the mouth I can only assume he is seeking more publicity? 

Well Mr Flavell I have some advice for you…  “Talk less and do more” then you wont need to seek publicity by taking cheap shots at personal bloggers attempts to bring some laughter into an increasingly humourless world..

Overheard at Bunnings today…

Thursday, October 22nd, 2009

Lady with 2 screaming kids was walking into Bunnings ahead of me.  She was mean looking, face like a twisted sandshoe, shouting obscenities at the kids, someone you would cross the road to avoid…  But the poor old greeter at the door of Bunnings couldn’t run .. he had to stay and fight…

“Morning Maam,  nice looking children.. are they twins?”

“Mind your own business you old prick…they are obviously not twins .. are you blind or just stupid?”..

Nice gent at the door simply replied…  “‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings”…

Whatever they pay him … it aint enough!

Open letter to Mayor Michael Laws ….

Friday, September 25th, 2009

Dear Michael,


Times are tough and the Whakatane District Council is looking to save money.  Since sign writers change by the letter it has occurred to me that by removing the H from our name we could save $$ as we have hundreds of  signs around the place..   After all our town is named after the Waka which does not have an H in it?


Obviously we do not want to waste these valuable H’s so I wondered if you would be interested?  Most are pretty second hand and some damage would occur in the removal process but we would reduce the price accordingly. It would be a “win win” situation and you know how much politicians love that..


There is the small matter of official approval but I was hoping that you could use your close and personal friendship with the NZ Geographic Board to swing things in our favour?


Best regards


Russell ORR

Wakatane District Councillor

Debris Dam causes problem for Govt department…

Tuesday, August 4th, 2009

This is an actual  letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on  his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of  Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy’s  response is hilarious, but read State’s letter before you  get to the response letter

Thanks to Ian Shearer for sending me this….

SUBJECT:  DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. DeVries: 

It has come to the  attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above  referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified  as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the  following unauthorized activity:     

Construction and  maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream  of Spring Pond.

A permit must be  issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been  issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and  Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental  Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being  sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled  Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The  Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a  free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming  the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work  shall be completed no  later than January 31, 2009.  

Please notify this  office when the restoration has been completed so that a  follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.   Failure to comply with this request or any further  unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case  being referred for elevated enforcement action.  We  anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in  this matter.  Please feel free to contact me at this  office if you have any questions.   

David  L. Price
District  Representative and Water Management Division. 









Here  is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: 

Re:  DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming  County  

Dear  Mr. Price,

Your  certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .  

A  couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing  and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures  building materials ‘debris.’  

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you  choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam  resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,  their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. 


These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. 

My first dam question to you is: 

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?    

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that  have been issued.  

(Perhaps  we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,  Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and  Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of  1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the  Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.) 

I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a  natural occurrence, which the Department is required to  protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.    

If  you want the stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition  please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest  them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam  letter, they being unable to read English.   

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,  the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should  protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment  (Beavers’ Dams).  

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can  be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be  under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area.   It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!   

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this  response to your dam office. 



Computers are female…

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that computers are definitely female…

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for them.
  5. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
  6. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
  7. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  8. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.