Dear Michael,

 

Times are tough and the Whakatane District Council is looking to save money.  Since sign writers change by the letter it has occurred to me that by removing the H from our name we could save $$ as we have hundreds of  signs around the place..   After all our town is named after the Waka which does not have an H in it?

 

Obviously we do not want to waste these valuable H’s so I wondered if you would be interested?  Most are pretty second hand and some damage would occur in the removal process but we would reduce the price accordingly. It would be a “win win” situation and you know how much politicians love that..

 

There is the small matter of official approval but I was hoping that you could use your close and personal friendship with the NZ Geographic Board to swing things in our favour?

 

Best regards

 

Russell ORR

Wakatane District Councillor

This is an actual  letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on  his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of  Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy’s  response is hilarious, but read State’s letter before you  get to the response letter. 

Thanks to Ian Shearer for sending me this….

SUBJECT:  DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County  

Dear Mr. DeVries: 

It has come to the  attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above  referenced parcel of property.  You have been certified  as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the  following unauthorized activity:     

Construction and  maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream  of Spring Pond.

A permit must be  issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been  issued.  Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and  Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental  Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being  sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled  Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.  We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The  Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a  free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming  the dams from the stream channel.  All restoration work  shall be completed no  later than January 31, 2009.  

Please notify this  office when the restoration has been completed so that a  follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.   Failure to comply with this request or any further  unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case  being referred for elevated enforcement action.  We  anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in  this matter.  Please feel free to contact me at this  office if you have any questions.   

Sincerely, 
David  L. Price
District  Representative and Water Management Division. 

Here  is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: 

 
Re:  DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming  County  

Dear  Mr. Price,

Your  certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to.  I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .  

A  couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing  and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.  While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures  building materials ‘debris.’  

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you  choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam  resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence,  their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. 

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking.   As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. 

My first dam question to you is: 

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?    

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that  have been issued.  

(Perhaps  we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301,  Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and  Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of  1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the  Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.) 

I have several concerns.  My first concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation?  The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.  The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a  natural occurrence, which the Department is required to  protect.   In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.    

If  you want the stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition  please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest  them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam  letter, they being unable to read English.   

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue,  the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.  If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should  protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment  (Beavers’ Dams).  

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can  be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now.  Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be  under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them. 

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area.   It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods.  I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!   

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this  response to your dam office. 

THANK  YOU, 

RYAN  DEVRIES   &  THE DAM BEAVERS

Over the years I have come to the conclusion that computers are definitely female…

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wages on accessories for them.
5. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
6. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves.
7. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
8. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.